All I Want in a Guy 

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As an Aries, I can be a very passionate person.

I’m 20, going on 21 this April, and I’ve never been in love. For me to even actually like a guy is rare. But when I do, my feelings run deep and are intense. Even though I’m not always vocal about it.

This past year I’ve been working hard to venture more out of my shell. Day by day, I do see myself evolving. The guard I used to have up so high is gradually coming down. I’ve been finding myself taking more chances when it comes to new experiences, as well as new people.

It was a year I even allowed myself to fall for someone new. Things were nice, and pretty refreshing after what I’d experienced with the previous guy, but unfortunately didn’t last. We never got to the point where it became anything really exclusive. But I was, however, lead to believe that there was potential we could’ve been. In the end my feelings were hurt because this was someone I thought so highly of. Someone I genuinely cared about and did my best to show him just that. Someone I let in willingly. I took this one hard because I really wasn’t expecting him to just leave things the way he did. We didn’t end on very good terms, but I still do wish him the best.

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Truth to be told, I do consider myself to be a hopeless romantic. I’m a sucker for those stories where the guy is so head over heels for a girl, and goes to great lengths just to get her or to keep her. Every girl wants to feel special, to really mean something to that meaningful somebody. We all do, for that matter. I think we all also would like to have someone who will refuse to give up on us. No matter how complicated it can get. To find love like that in reality, it’s hard. But I know it’s not impossible. I know that out here there are some amazing guys. And as I continue to get older and grow up, I’ve been finding myself more and more craving to find that person for me.

I want someone who actually has an interest in getting to know me, building with me, growing with me. Someone who I can always hang around, go on cute little dates with and we just enjoy each other, learn one another from our strengths to our defects. Through both the good and bad, we’ll stick together because at the end of the day there’s no one else either of us would rather be with. And in time, our bond will only get better. Closer. Stronger.

I want someone who is going to love me so much that they’ll be willing to go through whatever for me. They’ll want to fight for me. They won’t let me just slip away.

The upside of going through these guys is that I’m learning more about myself. What I’d appreciate in a relationship and what I wouldn’t. I always knew I definitely have a type, but I guess it wasn’t until recently I began figuring out exactly what type that is. Now, I do know. My type is an authentic, truly caring, confident but also humble, sweet, mature gentleman. He’ll have no problem being honest with me, even in cases when that’s not what I want. But he’ll also have a kind heart. Care about what’s on my mind and consider my feelings, not invalidate them. He’ll be loving. Hold me close in his arms and kiss me on even my worst, moodiest of days. He’ll come actually communicate with me when we run into disagreements or issues.

This Here Life

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“This Here Life”

This here life,

It’s full of dreams.

This here life,

It’s full of plans.

Both crazy and big,

That some can’t understand.

On a daily basis,

My mind wanders off.

And I just imagine,

What I can achieve.

Where I can be,

If I only believe in me.

Setbacks and obstacles,

They can’t hold me down,

Not for long,

For my resilience shines through.

Bright and indestructible,

Even during times most blue.

Used to not ever see,

The purpose of my existence.

But now, however,

I do realize.

A certain little gift,

One I can’t deny.

Time is so limited,

As well as precious.

Determined to reach,

High for the sky.

To get the most,

Out of this here life.

This Heart of Mine

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This heart of mine.

Inside of it there is so much care, love, and passion. It’s strong, and I know it can get through anything, but it also has this sense of sensitivity.

Every morning, when I wake up and open my eyes to a new day, I put on a happy face and smile because I have so much to feel blessed and grateful for. I like to maintain a positive outlook. But all the time I put up a front and try to come across as such a tough person who’s unfazed by certain things. When really, deep down, sometimes I’m a little bit of an emotional mess.

Never Even Mine

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How can one experience so much sorrow in a situation like this? It makes no sense. Here I am, feeling like I’ve actually lost something. When in actuality, you were never even mine.

Part of me already knew that you and I couldn’t and wouldn’t be, especially after what’s happened. But then there was the other half of me that wanted to hold on. My mind tried to just let it go, while at the same time, my heart conflicted with a little hope for the future.

As difficult as it is for me right now to see you drifting and taking your interest elsewhere, I will not intervene. I will let you walk. I know that part of really caring about someone is letting them go to find happiness, and letting them really enjoy that happiness, even if it’s not with you.

I wish I could at least say that was us at one point, but you were never even mine.

The Faith We So Often Underestimate

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Every now and then when I have to be reminded, I tell myself, ‘Do what you can down here and let God take care of the rest up there.’

A lot of times I used to find myself getting a little frustrated when certain things in life don’t happen the way I’d like for them to or exactly when I want them to. There were times where I’d start to doubt myself and just expect the occurrence of all the possible negative outcomes instead of positive. Naturally, I still do go back to that place sometimes.

But then I snap out of it and remember: God’s got me.

One valuable thing I’ve learned so far in my young life, is to really embrace the journey, through both the highs and lows.

I’m now a firm believer that everything really does happen for a reason.

I Should’ve 

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sometimes2cunfortunately2c0awedon27trealizewhatcould27ve0abeenoursuntilit27stoo0alate0a-default“I Should’ve” 

I know what I like,

I know what I want.

It was you.

But still I pushed away,

The regret and wonder haunts.

I should’ve unveiled my feelings,

Taken a chance.

Let you in when you tried,

Buried my pride.

I should’ve showed you the sweet affection,

Gave you the time, the attention.

The way you did for me.

Sadly my eyes were blinded and couldn’t see.

I should’ve been giving you my energy,

Instead of putting it in someone else.

A direction I thought was worth it,

But brought more tears than smiles upon myself.

Now it appears the opportunity has faded,

Gone.

Wishing there was a button to rewind,

To prevent you from moving on.

Disappointed,

That it took me this long to realize.

At the same time,

Remaining strong as I say goodbye.

Whoever you end up with,

She’ll be one lucky person.

You’re a catch,

I’m very much certain.

I should’ve.

My First (Not Really) Relationship

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I’m one of those girls who’s a late bloomer with everything, including boyfriends and dating. Yes, at the age of 19, I never had a boyfriend, been kissed, or even out on a date. Until I met this one guy, whose name I’ll be withholding. He seemed like one of the few decent ones in the beginning.

I’ve had a history of never giving any guy interested in me a chance and constantly just pushing them away. But I soon came to the realization that if I kept up that behavior, I could easily miss out on someone really great, maybe even my perfect match. And I certainly didn’t want that to happen. So I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t just shoot down the next guy to come around. Then, I crossed paths with him.

I will say he was intelligent, as well as a great conversationalist. He was very open and always had interesting topics he was passionate about to discuss with me. I’ll admit he also had this sense of charm to him. The type of charm that was almost irresistible and very convincing. Despite my lack of experience, I’m not a naive girl. I like to think I’m very smart. He didn’t have me fooled.

Since our initial encounter, it was just us talking via texting and phone calls. It became a daily thing, but we hadn’t even known each other for a good month, and definitely weren’t in no relationship, when one day on the phone he just straight up asked me, “Are you a virgin?”

Now I was open about the fact that I never dated and all. Honestly though, that question disturbed me, because like I said, we’d literally just met a few weeks ago and barely knew one another. That’s a very personal subject for me. A subject that I don’t feel the need to go around telling just anyone about. To me it was invasive, but I did answer and said yes.

In my mind I’m thinking, So this is the kind of guy I’m dealing with? I already had walls up from the start, and this was why–I had no clue who this man really was or what his true intentions were just yet. It was from that moment on that I began to really keep my eyes open and be cautious. Making it more than very clear that I wasn’t ready to lose my virginity, as far as intercourse goes, he claimed to understand. But actions speak louder than words.

When we started seeing each other and casually dating, things were fun and exciting for a little, with it being my first time experiencing it all. That very first time I saw him he was sweet, trying to make me comfortable because I’d feel so nervous and awkward about being new. That was side of him I started to have feelings for. I was perfectly content with just simply being around him, spending time together, but he wouldn’t leave it alone. Never had he ever missed an opportunity to make a casual hang out or conversation sexual.

He’d always say that he wanted to be the one I give my virginity to. There was a little exploring that went on, but I still had boundaries that I know I was clear about. Repeatedly, I told him that I didn’t enjoy the feeling of being pressured, and would nicely ask him to quit. However, in his eyes, this wasn’t pressuring. He continued to try and convince me he was the right guy, but after I still didn’t budge, he actually started questioning my sexuality.

Neither of us were perfect. I had (and still do have to this day) things I needed to work on, and so did he. There were other problems between us, but they were minor. Problems I would’ve looked passed and took the time make better with him. Our biggest issue here was the pace. It was so rushed. Who I decide to give myself to, that’s important to me. I want it to be special, have meaning. Your virginity is something you can’t get back once you’ve gave it up. And I knew that if I ended up giving this guy mine, I’d regret it for the rest of my life.

I knew that my worth was so much greater.

Finally, after six months and still no change, I put an end to it all. No big announcement. Literally, I cut him off and blocked his number without saying a word. In a way, it hurt me to do it because I didn’t want to throw away what was supposed to be my first like that. But then it hit me that he wasn’t really my first anything. As much as I wished things could’ve panned out differently, I knew I needed to do what was going to be best for me in the long run. And that was to walk away, stay strong and never look back.

The moral of this story is, and this is for both young ladies and men, don’t ever let anyone pressure you, or make you feel like you owe them something. Do what’s right for you, when it’s the right time for you. If for even just a moment things don’t feel right, please don’t be afraid to leave. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being on your own until you find what you’re looking for. We all deserve to have that special someone who will accept us for all that we are with understanding, patience and unconditional love.

A Little About Me

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Hi!

My name is Tiahara (pronounced tee-HAIR-ruh), but I also like to go by Tia for short. People primarily describe me as shy and quiet. I have a tendency to just stay to myself majority of the time, so I don’t have many friends. Constantly keepinimg_07041g these walls up, I often find it very difficult to really open up to others and let them in. Not particularly because I’m afraid of getting hurt, because I know that hurt is inevitable and part of everyone’s life at one point or another. But I do admit that I can sometimes feel a little isolated when it comes who I am and my life, I guess you could say. I’m not your typical teenager. There are certain things I have yet to experience, and to me, it feels as though everyone else around me is so much more interesting.

However, at the end of the day, I know that I do matter and that I’m here for a reason. I want 2016 to be the year I start putting myself out there more. I want to hold back less. I want to stop pushing those who I want to be the closest to away. Overcoming my shyness isn’t going to happen overnight or anytime soon. It’s going to be a process, a journey. And I would like to begin that here, with this blog.

The name, simplyexpressingme, is very much self-explanatory. Here I’ll be writing about personal things that will vary, from something I’m experiencing or going through in life, to just simply what I may have on my mind at a certain point in time. I’ll be posting little extra things in between as well. Also, I would like to just note now: Everything I put on here is 100% honest and me. You could say this blog is, in a way, like my diary, that’s voluntarily out in the open for everyone to read.

Thank you to those who have already started following me. I welcome you, and look forward to sharing myself with you all.

-Tiahara ♡

Keep Your Head Up

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This is a very honest and personal poem I wrote just out of the blue. As I was near the end of writing it, I liked it so much that I wanted it to be my very first blog post. To those who are here, taking the time to read this, thank you so much. I hope you enjoy, and feel free to leave a comment!

“Keep Your Head Up”

Sometimes I find myself wondering why I am here,

On this Earth.

At a standstill, just wishing for things to be better,

While also realizing, it could always be much worse.

Days I want to and do walk around unhappy,

With everyone and everything in my path.

As if it is the most ideal solution I can grasp;

Temporarily blinded of reasons why I should feel lucky.

I attempt to mold my soul,

To be empty, like a desert.

Dark, like a deep hole.

Acting as if I’m too invincible to feel hurt.

But I am a human being,

Who, in reality, has a very soft heart;

That at times can do a little too much caring.

No matter how hard I try, it refuses to stop.

God has His own plans for everyone,

Things happen when they do for a reason.

When life starts getting heavy and tough,

I just gotta tell myself, “Keep your head up.”