My First (Not Really) Relationship

I’m one of those girls who’s a late bloomer with everything, including boyfriends and dating. Yes, at the age of 19, I never had a boyfriend, been kissed, or even out on a date. Until I met this one guy, whose name I’ll be withholding. He seemed like one of the few decent ones in the beginning.

I’ve had a history of never giving any guy interested in me a chance and constantly just pushing them away. But I soon came to the realization that if I kept up that behavior, I could easily miss out on someone really great, maybe even my perfect match. And I certainly didn’t want that to happen. So I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t just shoot down the next guy to come around. Then, I crossed paths with him.

I will say he was intelligent, as well as a great conversationalist. He was very open and always had interesting topics he was passionate about to discuss with me. I’ll admit he also had this sense of charm to him. The type of charm that was almost irresistible and very convincing. Despite my lack of experience, I’m not a naive girl. I like to think I’m very smart. He didn’t have me fooled.

Since our initial encounter, it was just us talking via texting and phone calls. It became a daily thing, but we hadn’t even known each other for a good month, and definitely weren’t in no relationship, when one day on the phone he just straight up asked me, “Are you a virgin?”

Now I was open about the fact that I never dated and all. Honestly though, that question disturbed me, because like I said, we’d literally just met a few weeks ago and barely knew one another. That’s a very personal subject for me. A subject that I don’t feel the need to go around telling just anyone about. To me it was invasive, but I did answer and said yes.

In my mind I’m thinking, So this is the kind of guy I’m dealing with? I already had walls up from the start, and this was why–I had no clue who this man really was or what his true intentions were just yet. It was from that moment on that I began to really keep my eyes open and be cautious. Making it more than very clear that I wasn’t ready to lose my virginity, as far as intercourse goes, he claimed to understand. But actions speak louder than words.

When we started seeing each other and casually dating, things were fun and exciting for a little, with it being my first time experiencing it all. That very first time I saw him he was sweet, trying to make me comfortable because I’d feel so nervous and awkward about being new. That was side of him I started to have feelings for. I was perfectly content with just simply being around him, spending time together, but he wouldn’t leave it alone. Never had he ever missed an opportunity to make a casual hang out or conversation sexual.

He’d always say that he wanted to be the one I give my virginity to. There was a little exploring that went on, but I still had boundaries that I know I was clear about. Repeatedly, I told him that I didn’t enjoy the feeling of being pressured, and would nicely ask him to quit. However, in his eyes, this wasn’t pressuring. He continued to try and convince me he was the right guy, but after I still didn’t budge, he actually started questioning my sexuality.

Neither of us were perfect. I had (and still do have to this day) things I needed to work on, and so did he. There were other problems between us, but they were minor. Problems I would’ve looked passed and took the time make better with him. Our biggest issue here was the pace. It was so rushed. Who I decide to give myself to, that’s important to me. I want it to be special, have meaning. Your virginity is something you can’t get back once you’ve gave it up. And I knew that if I ended up giving this guy mine, I’d regret it for the rest of my life.

I knew that my worth was so much greater.

Finally, after six months and still no change, I put an end to it all. No big announcement. Literally, I cut him off and blocked his number without saying a word. In a way, it hurt me to do it because I didn’t want to throw away what was supposed to be my first like that. But then it hit me that he wasn’t really my first anything. As much as I wished things could’ve panned out differently, I knew I needed to do what was going to be best for me in the long run. And that was to walk away, stay strong and never look back.

The moral of this story is, and this is for both young ladies and men, don’t ever let anyone pressure you, or make you feel like you owe them something. Do what’s right for you, when it’s the right time for you. If for even just a moment things don’t feel right, please don’t be afraid to leave. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being on your own until you find what you’re looking for. We all deserve to have that special someone who will accept us for all that we are with understanding, patience and unconditional love.