All I Want in a Guy

As an Aries, I can be a very passionate person.

I’m 20, going on 21 this April, and I’ve never been in love. For me to even start actually liking a guy is rare. But when I do, my feelings can run deep and be intense. Even though I’m not always vocal about it.

This past year I’ve been working hard to venture more out of my shell. Day by day, I do see myself evolving. The guard I used to have up so high is gradually coming down. I’ve been finding myself taking more chances when it comes to new experiences, as well as new people.

It was a year I even allowed myself to fall for someone new. Things were nice, and pretty refreshing after what I’d experienced with the previous guy, but unfortunately didn’t last. We never got to the point where it became anything really exclusive. But I was, however, lead to believe that there was potential we could’ve been. In the end my feelings were hurt because this was someone I thought so highly of. Someone I genuinely cared about and did my best to show him just that. Someone I let in willingly. I took this one hard because I really wasn’t expecting him to just leave things the way he did. We didn’t end on very good terms, but I still do wish him the best.

 

fullsizerender
Taken at the National Gallery of Art Sculpture Garden in Washington, D.C.

Truth to be told, I do consider myself to be a hopeless romantic. Not the hopeless romantic who sets unrealistic fantasy standards, but the hopeless romantic who just loves love. I’m infatuated with that pure affection.

Every girl wants to feel special, to really mean something to somebody. We all do, for that matter. I think we all also would like to have someone who will refuse to give up on us. No matter how complicated it can get. To find love like that in reality, it’s hard. But I know it’s not impossible. I know that out here there are some amazing guys. And as I continue to get older and grow up, I’ve been finding myself more and more craving to find that person for me.

I want someone who actually has an interest in getting to know me, building with me, growing with me. Someone who I can always be around, go on cute little dates with and we just enjoy each other, learn one another from our strengths to our defects. Through both the good and bad, we’ll stick together because at the end of the day there’s no one else either of us would rather be with. And in time, our bond will only get better. Closer. Stronger. I want someone who is going to love me so much that they’ll be willing to go through whatever for me. They’ll want to fight for me, put in that hard work for me, because they’ll know it pays off in the long run. They won’t let me just slip away.

The upside of going through these guys is that I’m learning more about myself. What I’d appreciate in a relationship and what I wouldn’t. I always knew I definitely have a type, but I guess it wasn’t until recently I began figuring out exactly what type that is.

Now, I do know.

My type is an authentic, confident but also humble, caring, sweet, mature gentleman. He’ll have no problem ever being honest with me, regardless of whether it’s what I want to hear or not. But he’ll also have a kind heart. Always care to ask me about my day, what’s on my mind, and consider my feelings. Not invalidate them. He’ll be loving. Hold me close in his arms and kiss me on even my worst, moodiest of days. Despite my attempts to push him away. He’ll actually come communicate with me when we run into issues, so we can take them on like adults, instead of just running off.

That’s the one who I know will be worth giving my heart, my all to.

Advertisements

This Heart of Mine

This heart of mine.

Inside of it there is so much care, love, and passion. It’s strong, and I know it can get through anything, but it also has this sense of sensitivity.

Every morning, when I wake up and open my eyes to a new day, I put on a happy face and smile because I have so much to feel blessed and grateful for. I like to maintain a positive outlook. But all the time I put up a front and try to come across as such a tough person who’s unfazed by certain things. When really, deep down, sometimes I’m a little bit of an emotional mess.

My First (Not Really) Relationship

I’m one of those girls who’s a late bloomer with everything, including boyfriends and dating. Yes, at the age of 19, I’ve never had a boyfriend, been kissed, or even out on a date. Until I met this one guy, whose name I’ll be withholding. He seemed like one of the few decent ones in the beginning.

I’ve had a history of never giving any guy interested in me a chance and constantly just pushing them away. But I soon came to the realization that if I kept up that behavior, I could easily miss out on someone really great, maybe even my perfect match. And I certainly didn’t want that to happen. So I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t just shoot down the next guy to come around. Then, I crossed paths with him.

I will say he was intelligent, as well as a great conversationalist. He was very open and always had interesting topics he was passionate about to discuss with me. I’ll admit he also had this sense of charm to him. The type of charm that was almost irresistible and very convincing. Despite my lack of experience, I’m not a naive girl. I like to think I’m very smart. He didn’t have me fooled.

Since our initial encounter, it was just us talking via texting and phone calls. It became a daily thing, but we hadn’t even known each other for a good month, and definitely weren’t in no relationship, when one day on the phone he just straight up asked me, “Are you a virgin?”

Now I was open about the fact that I never dated and all. Honestly though, that question disturbed me, because like I said, we’d literally just met a few weeks ago and barely knew one another. That’s a very personal subject for me. A subject that I don’t feel the need to go around telling just anyone about. To me it was invasive, but I did answer and said yes.

In my mind I’m thinking, So this is the kind of guy I’m dealing with? I already had walls up from the start, and this was why–I had no clue who this man really was or what his true intentions were just yet. It was from that moment on that I began to really keep my eyes open and be cautious. Making it more than very clear that I wasn’t ready to lose my virginity, as far as intercourse goes, he claimed to understand. But actions speak louder than words.

When we started seeing each other and casually dating, things were fun and exciting for a little, with it being my first time experiencing it all. That very first time I saw him he was sweet, trying to make me comfortable because I’d feel so nervous and awkward about being new. That was side of him I started to have feelings for. I was perfectly content with just simply being around him, spending time together, but he wouldn’t leave it alone. Never had he ever missed an opportunity to make a casual hang out or conversation sexual.

He’d always say that he wanted to be the one I give my virginity to. There was a little exploring that went on, but I still had boundaries that I know I was clear about. Repeatedly, I told him that I didn’t enjoy the feeling of being pressured, and would nicely ask him to quit. However, in his eyes, this wasn’t pressuring. He continued to try and convince me he was the right guy, but after I still didn’t budge, he actually started questioning my sexuality.

Neither of us were perfect. I had (and still do have to this day) things I needed to work on, and so did he. There were other problems between us, but they were minor. Problems I would’ve looked passed and took the time make better with him. Our biggest issue here was the pace. It was so rushed. Who I decide to give myself to, that’s important to me. I want it to be special, have meaning. Your virginity is something you can’t get back once you’ve gave it up. And I knew that if I ended up giving this guy mine, I’d regret it for the rest of my life.

I knew that my worth was so much greater.

Finally, after six months and still no change, I put an end to it all. No big announcement. Literally, I cut him off and blocked his number without saying a word. In a way, it hurt me to do it because I didn’t want to throw away what was supposed to be my first like that. But then it hit me that he wasn’t really my first anything. As much as I wished things could’ve panned out differently, I knew I needed to do what was going to be best for me in the long run. And that was to walk away, stay strong and never look back.

The moral of this story is, and this is for both young ladies and men, don’t ever let anyone pressure you, or make you feel like you owe them something. Do what’s right for you, when it’s the right time for you. If for even just a moment things don’t feel right, please don’t be afraid to leave. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being on your own until you find what you’re looking for. We all deserve to have that special someone who will accept us for all that we are with understanding, patience and unconditional love.